The bad & the good

It isn't uncommon to get up in the middle of the night with a two month old. It is a little more uncommon to get up with a two year old who has never had sleep issues. I don't mind the getting up with one or the other, but getting up with both Krystian and Aydyn stresses me out. The feelings intensify when neither of them wants to go back to sleep. The intensity increases even more when my support system doesn't really seem to be supporting me. I don't mind jokes, but when they come at 3 AM, they hurt.

Aydyn was very cranky yesterday, but once he finally fell asleep on my husband around 9 pm, he slept. (Thank God!) He slept from 9 pm - 3 am, and then he was wide awake. I changed him, bottled him, and lay him back down. Aydyn was having none of it. :( Krystian was fighting sleep as well. I had already read to him two times by 3 am. Krystian wanted me to read to him again. I was dealing with a screaming two month old, and my two year old wanted me to read to him. Really, he was being crazy. I took him back to his room and explained to him that Mommy had already read to him. Now, he needed to read to himself and go to sleep. This led to Krystian screaming for 10 minutes and then falling asleep. You might think I am wrong, but I didn't start letting Krystian cry things out until he was almost 2. I could never in a million years let Aydyn cry it out, not yet.

The whole time that I am dealing with screaming kids, I try to text my husband for support. It goes well at first, but then I tell him I am going to a hotel on his night off so I can get some sleep while he deals with the two kids. He says why so I can text you the whole night and you won't get sleep. (I found out this morning that this was a joke. Not funny at 3 am.) I fired back (out of anger because I didn't know it was a joke) that the only reason I text him is because he is awake (duh, he's working). I don't text him during the day when he is asleep, but that i'd leave him alone.

The 3 AMs make me feel so alone. Even on the nights that my husband is home, I can say "It is your turn. You get up with them," but I still have to listen to the monitors. He gets to sleep at least 6 hours straight without listening to a child cry or without having to listen to the static of a monitor while waiting for a child to cry. I am jealous.

These 3 AM wake calls scare me. I go back to work in 3 weeks, 2 if you count registration. I will be running a house, keeping 2 boys in the evening, and listening to them at night. Yes, I love my children. No, I would never regret having either one of them. I feel like I never get a break. I am very lonely. Men get the joy of ignoring things when they want to. Women feel the need to make sure everyone is happy and taken care of. I just want to be able to pamper myself.


On a good note: Today, I was invited to my first playgroup. That was nice. Krystian would have loved it. It was nice though to talk to other women. I felt weird at first, only knowing one person, but everyone was very friendly. Thank you!